Special Notice 21

THE PROBLEMS OF A DIVERSE WORKFORCE


By William J. Dodwell     October 2, 2019

Note:  In keeping with my ongoing visceral dedication to defy political correctness in all quarters, I present the following revelations regarding corporate America’s obsession with diversity.

 

 

I just returned from a Diversity Summit in Timbuktu.  It was a confab of mostly Chief Diversity Officers seeking to improve their methods for achieving a truly diverse workforce.  Most interesting were the comments of one particular corporate manager, Whitey.  He told me about his struggles dealing with the diversity policies of his CDO, one Ms. Zgbowgoeiw Poebtyoblbaoetn, aka Ms. Z, who hails from a hut in an Amazon rain forest.

 

The Chief Diversity Officer

 

Ms. Z herself is the very image of diversity.  This androgynous creature stands 6’9” with one black arm and one white, the result of some body modification.  She has a buzzcut on the right side, multi-colored tresses on the left, a chrome dome on top and a pony tail in the back.  She flaunts one 51” DDD breast, a tattoo on her neck, and wears combat boots.  And God knows what’s under that dress.  Even her speech is diverse as she alternates from black dialect to the King’s English throughout the day.  She worships at the LGBTQ altar, even painting her office in the emblematic rainbow colors.

 

All hiring decisions go through Ms. Z to ensure the company maintains an optimal diversity profile, while Whitey functions as her chief operating officer.  In fact, Ms. Z strives to register the highest government diversity score in her industry, a feat she hopes would put her on the cover of Diversity Magazine and earn her an EEOC award.  She insists that all job candidates submit to skin-tone classification measured scientifically in lumens from 1 to 50 where 1 is the darkest, 50 is the lightest.  In addition, everyone must gender-identify on a wide spectrum of genitalia variations.  Accordingly, she commissioned the building premises manager to make rest room modifications to accommodate all manner of anatomical anomalies.  Says Ms. Z, “We cover every color, shape, form and subspecies in the human genome. Hell, we even got an Irishman on board.”

 

She also commands month-long classes for all employees in the use of appropriate pronouns, the veritable equivalent of learning another language.  Ms. Z especially favors profile characteristics that are heavily weighted in the government diversity score, such as dark skin-tones in high positions.  As such, she tries to minimize straight white males because they produce negative points in government reporting. (We get no respect anymore.)

 

Ms. Z draws from a major source of diversity enhancement that is the pool of illegal aliens who storm the southern border.  They not only jack up a diversity score, but some America-hating state and local jurisdictions provide tax incentives for hiring them.  The current invasion of caravans from Central America has been like manna from heaven for CDOs.

 

            Problems

 

Here are some of the problems Whitey experienced enforcing Ms. Z’s diversity program.

 

  • Risk Management told Whitey that the company has to reduce its female population because of excessive #MeToo risk.  Women are suing left and right.  Whitey asked Ms. Z what to do.  She said, “I’m not going to upset my gender ratio.  Tell Risk Management we’ll comply with the cut if we can persuade an equal number of gender ambiguous employees that they are female.  Somehow I think those “converted women” would be less troublesome.  You do the interviews.”

 

  • Whitey approached Ms. Z about a problem with an employee who couldn’t get along with anybody.  Figuring his behavior might have something to do with his diversity classification, she asked Whitey how the worker self-identifies.  Whitey said the employee doesn’t know because he has three di--s and two vaginas.  Ms. Z told Whitey to “throw him in with the transgenders”. Whitey said he suggested that but he took offense saying, “What do you think I am, some kind of freak?”

 

  • Whitey sought help from Ms. Z about a man who wouldn’t cooperate with his project plans.  Once again Ms. Z asked how the worker self-identifies.  Whitey told her he thinks he’s a bird.  Ms. Z asked Whitey if he talked to him about the problem.  Whitey told her that he couldn’t because he always has worms in his mouth. 

 

  • A well-known philanderer complained to Whitey that there are too few females in his immediate vicinity for him to pursue.  Rather, he’s surrounded by man-hating lesbians who, not only restrict his prospects, but also put him at risk of bogus #MeToo lawsuits.  Ms. Z told Whitey, “Gender ratios are applied uniformly over all units, so transferring him would upset that balance.  I could move him to a more hospitable environment in exchange for a gay male, but the lesbians might complain about one less target for a phony sexual harassment claim."

 

  • After conducting a diversity audit following a spate of departures, Whitey panicked over the results.  He ran to Ms. Z to tell her, “We have a crisis.  We’re low on hermaphrodites.!”  Even Ms. Z started sweating because this classification gets a very high weighting in the government diversity score.  She immediately told Whitey to dispatch three employees to the waterfront at 3 AM to recruit replacements from appropriately endowed hookers serving transient truckers.  That was a tough sell for Whitey.  Relations with his staff have not been the same.

 

  • A gay guy complained to Whitely about a dearth of homosexuals in the firm.  In fact, he suspects discrimination.  Whitey brought the case to Ms. Z who said, “The entire LGBTQ spectrum is represented in this firm.  Tell him to focus on some Bs, Ts and Qs instead of a pure play.  Hell, he might become one of them. I could use the filip in the diversity score.”

 

  • Ms. Z prevailed on Whitey to take advantage of the many new openings to improve the firm’s skin-tone rating.  She told him that through her connections she could get eight people from Ghana in the building by the end of the week.  Ms. Z said, “These guys will really lift our score.  I’m talking tones under 10 lumens!”  Whitey had no choice but to hire them on his staff.  Some time later Ms. Z asked him how the Ghanans were doing.  Whitey said, “They can’t read, they can’t write, and they don’t speak English.”  Ms. Z replied, “So what?  We picked up 112 points in our score.  Ah, I can see it now.  Diversity Magazine today, The New York Times front page tomorrow.”

 

Whitey’s heart-to-heart talk with Ms. Z

 

Exasperated, Whitey arranged a heartfelt talk with Ms. Z about his difficulty reconciling diversity compliance with executive demands for suitable people.  He explained that the firm needs dedicated competent employees who can interact well with customers and one another.  Instead, everyone hates each other and nothing gets done. The only unity centers on  a collective hatred for the lily white CEO.  Whitey told her that since implementing her diversity program the company has been constantly in the red and the stock has plummeted 70%.  Ms. Z replied, “If people meet my diversity criteria they’re qualified.  The rest is for the CEO to worry about.  It’s PC over profits for me.  Between you and me, let’s hope those losses continue.  The CEO would get fired creating a bonanza opportunity to replace the honky with a sub-20 lumens black or Hispanic.  The diversity score would skyrocket!”

 

Whitey seeks refuge

 

            Overcome by the displeasure of his job, Whitey went home to decompress with his family.  He summoned his three young sons to resume a recent discussion about career                             aspirations.  One had said he wants to be a fireman.  Another had said he wants to be an astronaut.  Whitey turned to his previously undecided precocious fair-headed boy, Niles,                 and asked if he had made up his mind yet.  Niles said, “Yeah, Dad.  I want to be a Chief Diversity Officer.”

                                                                                                                                            ©2019 William J.Dodwell                                                                                
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